Twilight Crossing Deluxe 2
by Luna Raven 1908
Summary: Caius meets the pink panda that Aro speaks so highly of... then Chow explains blood types and pisses off Carlisle.


Twilight Crossing Deluxe 2

#6 The Immortal Instrument

#7 No Need For Caius

#8 Chow's Second Monologue

A/N: The beginning of this takes place while Aro is in Forks (Read Twilight Crossing Deluxe).

Aro was going to visit the Cullens. He left only one rule- don't sit on his love sack. It was just a lumpy uncomfortable beanbag chair… nobody was going to sit on it.

"Gross", Caius commented, looking at the chair. "Oh well, Aro is gone. I guess I can lay around with my fly open… what the hell?!"

He heard the sound of flesh being pounded, unusual because it wasn't tourist season. Caius went to the dining room to find Felix beating the blood out of fresh kills.

"What do you think you're doing?", asked Caius.

Felix turned. "I'm serving the master!"

"Yeah, and the master is hungry!" Jane yelled from a shadowy corner of the room. "So make with the blood!"

She then dashed out to the throne room and grabbed Aro's love sack. "I'm borrowing this."

Jane dashed back in the dining room just as fast, despite carrying the beanbag. She slapped Caius in the head with it. "I'm in charge while Aro's gone, so get me some entertainment!"

Aro returned and told the others about his surprise trip to Forks, and meeting Chow. Jane did a palmslap.

"You dumbass! That's just an old toy bear!"

Her brother Alec came in during Aro's story. "Aro plays with dolls… interesting…"

"I also tore down a tree!" Aro ran out, then came back in with a smelly tree.

"EW", yelled Felix. "It reeks!"

Jane sniffed it. "It's been pissed on… TOUCH IT, CAIUS!"

She pushed the white haired vampire into the tree.

"Ew! You bitch!"

Jane and Alec laughed.

"This piss… as you call it…", Aro announced. "…belongs to Chow! We can sell it as perfume for the tourists!"

They all groaned. Alec grabbed the lovesack and went to hit Aro, but stopped. "What is in here?", he asked.

Alec unzipped the chair and inside was a bunch of familiar looking dolls. "Ah, that's why there was a shortage of Jacob dolls."

"They have no pants on.", Caius pointed out. "There's also some Playgirl magazines."

He pulled out a stack of magazines. Everyone gasped. Aro shook his head. "Well… I was young! I was stupid! You told me girls bought those!" He defensively pointed at Felix.

"Just how many times have these dolls been touched tickled and wiggled?", asked Jane.

"Enough!", shouted Aro. "Felix, get us some blood! Jane and Alec, get me some panda diapers! Shitting pandas wait for no one!"

They left and it was just Aro and Caius. "And as for you…", Aro commanded. "…dance for me."

"Get bent, Aro.", said Caius. He then left the room.

Later on that night, Caius left for Forks. He was curious about this toy panda.

Caius stopped somewhere in Canada, wherever Justin Bieber is from. It was easy to tell because all the city's residents hung their heads in shame. He needed to feed, and that he did- on two drunk women who were singing a stupid Bieber song on karaoke night. It doesn't matter which song- they're all stupid.

Caius did these women a favor because in the old days chicks like them either found a man to marry or turned to dust and blew away. The blood wasn't up to Caius' standards, which was disturbing because he had no standards. Oh well…

Caius continued on to Forks. When he got to the Cullens' home, he knocked on the door.

"Come in! and don't let the stink out, aiya!", Chow yelled from inside.

Caius walked in and found the panda sitting on the couch, watching a blank TV screen. He stared at Chow, the TV, then back at Chow again. "The television is not on."

"SHHHHH! I'm watching this."

Caius couldn't believe what he was seeing- a pink panda that could talk. He wondered what else the Cullens were going to come up with. They were already BFFs with stinky werewolves and had that abomination- the hybrid called Renesmee; not to mention they all refuse to drink human blood!

"Where are the Cullens?". Caius asked.

Chow turned his head. "They went hunting." He extended out a black paw. "My name's Chow. Who the hell are you, aiya?"

"I am Caius, from The Volturi," Caius bowed before the panda. "but we might change our name."

Chow got an angry look on his furry face. "Aw hell NO! Not another one!"

He jumped to his feet on the couch, then his eyes got huge and he quickly got down. "Oops! I forgot, Esme said 'no standing on furniture', aiya."

"Aro is the only one who was dropped on his head as a human. The rest of us are far more intelligent."

They both laughed.

A few hours later, the Cullens came back from their hunt. Chow was sitting on the couch surrounded by snacks, watching "Rick And Morty" on TV. They looked confused, then shocked to see caius walk in, carrying a tray. "Would you like another soda, Master Chow?", he asked.

Chow burped very loud.

"What the fuck?!", yelled Carlisle.

"Oh, he's ok, aiya.", Chow said. "I set him straight. He knows now that I am the master! Look, I even had him decorate your Christmas tree!"

The Cullens looked at the tree in the room. It was decorated- with real ornaments, not baby doll parts like they all assumed The Volturi would use if they even celebrated Christmas, and for once Carlisle was speechless, potty mouth and all.

Caius placed the tray in Chow's lap. "I should get back to Volterra." He grabbed a black plastic bag by the door. "Thank you for Aro's gift. I have waited centuries to give him something like this, Master Chow. Farewell."

He left, running very fast back to Volterra.

"I guess you can teach an old Volturi asshole new tricks, aiya!", said Chow.

Carlisle laughed. "I've spent decades trying to do that. You must be fucking gifted."

Chow nodded. "I am."

"What was in that bag, Chow?", asked Bella.

Meanwhile in Volterra…

Caius snuck up behind Aro and smacked him with the bag. It exploded, covering the insane dark haired vampire…

"Ha! Gotcha, bitch!", Caius shouted as he began to twerk. "Now I'll dance for you!"

Back in Forks…

"I told him it was fake, since your kind can't smell the cats' shit.", Chow explained. "Beavis made some squishy stuff before the albino showed up."

They all laughed. "As long as the Volturi doesn't know about the cats, we're ok.", Jasper said. "Look how freaked out they were by the Werewolves."

"I do like the thought of Aro covered in cat shit though.", Carlisle chuckled.

Chow got his thinking face on. "Do my feces smell to you guys, aiya?"

"Yes!", they all said.

Edward smiled. "I like the thought of Aro covered in Chow's shit even more!"

Chow jumped to his feet on the couch again, spilling potato chips everywhere. "War's on! Ragball:1; Asshole:0!"

"Furniture!", Esme scolded. "And clean up this mess. NOW!"

"Uh… did anyone forget this is only June?", asked Jasper.

(Chow's POV)

Konnichiwa, aiya! I was just looking at the ceiling in Carlisle's library. So romantic… the fat little cherubs with their wieners hanging out…

Oh! Aiya! Are you out of toilet paper? Here's what your blood type says you'll do about it:

Strong willed and patient; will wait for someone to bring a new roll, aiya.

Strong love for oneself; will use "two of those". Two of those being their fingers! Gross.

AB- Doesn't give a shit about taking a shit; will dig in trash for used tissue. Also gross, aiya.

O- Doesn't bother with trivial things and doesn't wipe, because he can always go out in the woods, phase into a wolf, and lick himself clean. Jacob a.k.a. Inuyasha knows all about this aiya.

But no matter the blood type- wise people and animals like myself improvise… SOCKS! Wipe then wash it out. Plus I have a spare for my homie Stitches. Just put the sock over your paw and you can reach in there and do work, aiya.

Who would have thought Jacob's socks could get my asshole so clean! Aiya!

"CHOW! Get your fuckin' pink panda ass in here and clean up this yellow fuckin' panda shit NOW! IT STINKS!"

Ok, Carlisle is pissed again. I think I'll go back to Big Paw for a while aiya… just until the cold doctor cools off!

To be continued?

A/N: My versions of Aro and Jane are based of Billy & Mandy from "The Grim Adventures Of Billy And Mandy".

Chow's 2nd monologue was heavily based on a scene from "My Lovely Sam-Soon", a South Korean drama from the mid-2000's.


End file.
